You can, but loving someone with narcissistic traits is often painful, because they may lack empathy and be controlling. Therapy and firm boundaries can help protect your well-being.
Can you
Yes, love can exist. But loving someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be painful. People with NPD may lack empathy, need admiration and be controlling or manipulative. Not every narcissistic person has NPD.
Signs of a harmful relationship
Constant criticism, gaslighting, lack of accountability, and hot-and-cold behavior.
Prevalence
NPD affects about 1 percent of the population.
What can help
- Set clear boundaries.
- Seek therapy for yourself.
- Don’t expect rapid change. Therapy can help only if the person engages.
- Build a support network.
Safety
If you feel unsafe or are being abused, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Decision
Your well-being matters.
Can you
People can and do love someone with narcissistic traits, and many do not realize it at first. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) affects about 1% of the population, according to the DSM-5, though narcissistic traits are more common. NPD is marked by a grandiose sense of self, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and sense of entitlement. Only a mental health professional can diagnose it, and traits alone do not mean a person has the disorder. Love is possible, but a relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits can be difficult.
Signs of a harmful relationship
- Constant criticism, contempt or belittling.
- Lack of empathy for your feelings.
- Blaming you for everything and never taking responsibility.
- Gaslighting, making you doubt your memory or sanity.
- Love bombing followed by devaluing and discarding, a repeating cycle.
- Controlling money, friends and time.
- Jealousy or isolating you from family.
- Requiring constant praise and being angry at criticism.
- Threats, intimidation, or physical violence, which is abuse.
Not everyone with narcissistic traits is abusive, but some are, and the pattern matters.
Prevalence
Studies suggest about 6% of people have narcissistic traits that are significant, and NPD is more common in men (about 7.7%) than women (4.8%) in some surveys. Many people with NPD do not seek treatment, because they do not see a problem.
What can help
- Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
- Seek individual counseling to support your own wellbeing and decision-making.
- Couples therapy can be useful if the partner is willing to change, but may not be safe if there is abuse.
- Long-term psychotherapy such as schema therapy or mentalization-based therapy can help people with NPD, but change is slow and requires motivation.
- Build a support network of friends and family.
- Do not expect to fix the person.
Safety
If you are being threatened, hurt or controlled, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). In an emergency call 911.
Decision
Staying or leaving is a personal choice. A therapist can help you weigh the pattern, your safety and your needs. Love does not require tolerating abuse.
Psychology of narcissistic traits
Narcissistic personality disorder is estimated to affect about 1 to 6 percent of the population, according to the DSM-5 and research reviews, and it is more often diagnosed in men. It involves a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy. Many people have narcissistic traits without meeting the disorder criteria. Relationships with a person who has strong narcissistic traits can involve manipulation, control, gaslighting or emotional abuse, which can harm the partner’s mental health. Therapy such as schema therapy and mentalization based treatment can help motivated people, but change is slow and requires the person to acknowledge the problem. Partners benefit from setting clear boundaries, seeking their own therapy and building support from friends and family. If you feel unsafe or are being controlled or threatened, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233, any time. Whether to stay is a personal decision, and a therapist can help weigh it.
Based on data from the American Psychiatric Association and the National Domestic Violence Hotline
